The Bible instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church — sacrificially. Unfortunately, many husbands fail to consider the full implications of this command, instead they choose to lord their position over their wives and exert their dominance like a gorilla pounding its chest.
My own failure to love my wife as Christ loved the church led to disastrous consequences, but a turning point in my life helped me understand the true meaning and purpose of sacrificial love in marriage.
But before we get to that, let’s take a closer look at the oft-misunderstood scripture passage that lays out the marital command structure:
As the church is subject to Christ, so also wives should be subject to their husbands in everything [respecting both their position as protector and their responsibility to God as head of the house]. (Ephesians 5:24 AMP)
Under Christ, the Bible clearly places husbands in a position of leadership authority within their marriages. Yet while the wife’s appointed position is subordinate to her husband, the biblical mandate given to him in the subsequent passage is far heavier:
Husbands, love your wives [seek the highest good for her and surround her with a caring, unselfish love], just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:25 AMP)
Chicken or Egg?
Which comes first? Does the wife submit to her husband even if he acts like a tyrant? Does the husband love his wife even if she is headstrong and decidedly unsubmissive? This dilemma plagued me throughout the course of my first two failed marriages.
Despite sincere but inconsistent efforts to lead my marriages in a Christ-like manner, I faced constant resistance from my wives. Each challenged my authority and pointed out my flaws whenever I tried to draw closer to God and take charge.
Unfortunately, I allowed this resistance to make me bitter and resentful. Instead of taking stock of myself and examining how I could have better led my marriages, I insisted it was my way or the highway…
Every time it would happen, I remember thinking:
"How dare she refuse to submit to my god-given authority! It is not her place to question my leadership abilities but to submit to me! How am I supposed to captain her heart when it is mutinous?!”
Then God confronted me with a question:
What did Jesus Christ, the husband’s example, do when His Bride, the Church, was gainsaying and obstinate?
Did He reject her?
Write her off?
Scuttle the ship?
NO!
Scripture tells us plainly:
…God clearly shows and proves His own love for us, by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
God revealed this truth to me in a powerful way. by bringing into my life a perfectly imperfect woman after my second divorce. He then then planted within me a deep, abiding love for her, despite the fact that my tempestuous adolescence, mercurial temper, and two failed marriages clearly indicated I was incapable of cultivating it.
The distinction lay in the divine seed that God implanted within my heart which, upon being profoundly watered by a pivotal event, blossomed into the transcendent love epitomized in the renowned “love chapter” of Corinthians:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4–7)
The Folly of Anger
Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. (Proverbs 14:29 NIV)
A year or so into our marriage, my love and I had a disagreement. After a couple of disparaging remarks she made struck a nerve, I responded with a vehement outburst of harsh, retaliatory words.
Unbeknownst to me, this verbal assault ignited an underlying issue within my ordinarily gentle and non-confrontational partner.
As it turned out, my wife was suffering from undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) stemming from traumatic experiences she endured during her military service overseas.
Unfortunately, my anger — which took the form of verbal aggression — triggered a severe episode. She feared for her life, make wild and unmerited accusations, struck me several times, fled the house, and called 911.
I was dumbfounded. No fight I had ever been in with a spouse had turned physical.
When the police and a precautionary medical team arrived, I appeared calm and composed despite a few cuts and abrasions. My wife, on the other hand, showed no visable injuries, but her agitated state and extremely elevated vital signs indicated severe distress.
As we later discovered, she was still in the throes of a PTSD episode that none of us were aware of.
Given that the police were not aware of my wife’s ongoing PTSD episode, they took her accusations and the overall appearance of the scene at face value and arrested me.
Let me tell you, being summarily stripped, deloused, dressed in a prison jumpsuit, and thrown in a cell was one of the most humiliating and degrading experiences of my life.
It took several weeks, along with the testimonies of my wife and her therapist, to prove my innocence and have the charges dropped.
Was it the worst thing to happen to us?
Yes.
But it was also the best thing to happen to us?
How could it be both?We both sought counseling.
We both received diagnosis.
We both received help.
A Powerful Epiphany
While my wife continues to grapple with the ongoing effects of her PTSD, her condition serves as a daily reminder for me to keep my temper in check.
That’s not as hard as you might think
Because the memory of the sheer terror in the love of my life’s eyes — and the humiliation of being treated like a criminal — led me to a much-needed, long-overdue epiphany.
I had been allowing myself a luxury that I and those I love could ill afford.
The luxury of losing my temper.
Why such an obvious truth eluded me for so many years I can’t say for sure.
Perhaps because my parents resolved conflict by yelling and screaming, I considered it normal. They worried more about how they behaved in front of strangers than they behaved in front of those closest to them.
For half of my adult life, I carried on that same toxic family legacy.
I’m not sure I’d have ever seen it if God hadn’t put so much love for my wife in my heart — the arrest notwithstanding.
Had He not, I would have blamed her, just as I blamed my other wives for the conflict and dissolution of those marriages.
Thank God, He filled me with unfathomable love — love that gave me eyes to see! For I’m not the man I once was. And by God’s grace I will never be that man again!
For now, I understand that a strong man — good husband — does not lord his position over his wife.
He does not berate, belittle, or bully her into submission.
He loves her into submission. Just as Christ loves us.
Patiently.
Sacrificially.
Relentlessly.
This kind of strength requires humility, grace, and a willingness to put the needs of others before our own. It is a strength born not of brute force or dominance, but of love and compassion.
As Jesus told Paul: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
As husbands, we must learn to lead with love and compassion — not force or control.
That means listening to our wives, supporting them in their struggles, and prioritizing their needs above our own.
When we embrace this kind of strength, we become better husbands, better fathers, and better men. We become reflections of Christ’s love and grace.
Imitators of Christ
As imitators of Christ, husbands must approach their wives a gentle disposition and a benevolent attitude.
Christ’s love for His Bride, was humble — not domineering.
He emptied Himself of His divine prerogative to be worshiped as Lord.
He constrained Himself by taking on human form and its limitations.
He could feel pain.
He could bleed.
He could die.
And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us... full of grace and truth. (John 1:14)
Jesus did not get angry and lord His authority over His Bride.
He humbled Himself for her.
He allowed Himself to be accused of her crimes, mocked, scourged and crucified in her place — by those over whom He held all authority.
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. (Philippians 2:5–8)
Jesus Himself said:
I have set you an example so that you should do as I have done for you. Truly, truly, I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. (John 13:15–16)
As imitators, husbands must also lead their wives with Christ-like love. And this type of love—agapē—typically requires sacrifice. That sacrifice is manifested in a husband’s forbearance and mercy, and in his willingness to occasionally lay down his prerogative in deference to his wife—particularly when it means the difference between supporting or undermining her faith, building her up or tearing her down spiritually.
Or do you have no regard for the wealth of His kindness, tolerance, and patience [in withholding His wrath]? Are you actually unaware or ignorant of the fact that God’s kindness leads you to repentance [that is, to change your inner self, your old way of thinking—seek His purpose for your life]? ( Romans 2:4 AMP)
Taking a Closer Look
Now, let’s look at that leadership hierarchy again:
Christ.
Husband.
Wife.
The husband, under the leadership of Christ, is obligated to behave and act toward his subordinate as his Leader demonstrated by example. There’s no way around this.
The command to the husband is to love — as Christ loved — sacrificially. This is how the husband leads his wife.
Note that the wife is never admonished to love her husband, but to submit to him in all things. For matrimonial unity to be both godly and effective, it requires submission, and submission requires love. They go hand in hand. He loves her sacrificially; she, in turn, responds by submitting to his God-given authority.
Leaders’ Accountability
Husbands, if there is any part of you still sitting on the fence about this matter—any iota of doubt about the absolute necessity of loving your wives in a gentle, patient, and sacrificial way—I will give you one final scriptural truth to weigh and consider: those who lead must also answer more severely for their misconduct than those who are under their command. Thus husbands, like pastors, should soberly and faithfully execute the duties and responsibilities that come with the position of authority they have been given.
As a fellow elder, a witness of Christ’s sufferings, and a partaker of the glory to be revealed, I appeal to the elders among you: Be shepherds of God’s flock that is among you, watching over them not out of compulsion, but because it is God’s will; not out of greed, but out of eagerness; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of glory that will never fade away. (1 Peter 5:1–4)
But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. (Matthew 18:5)
My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation. (James 3:1)